Tips for men whose spouses are going through (peri)menopause

Dear men (spouses),

If your female spouse is entering perimenopause it can be a confusing and sometimes upsetting time for both of you. It can start out with little things such as:

• she’s forgetful
• has trouble sleeping
• is overly irritable
• she gets hot, cold, and/or tired
• seems more stressed
• less interested in sex.

Often these events can be explained away or attributed to other things like, it’s your fault. But when the intensity and the frequency of these issues increase, you both may become aware something is amiss.

Menopause is a gradual decline in female hormones, estrogen, and progesterone, which is a normal condition that all women experience as they age. At what age you wonder? According to the North American Menopause Society (NAMS), menopause usually starts in a woman’s 40’s, but has been known to start in the mid to late 30’s, and therefore can catch both of you by surprise. According to Dr. Lara Armstrong, ND Menopause can last between 1- 10 years. Each woman is unique, in how she experiences menopause. For some women there is very little notable difference, for others, symptoms can be debilitating. http://menopausemission.com/how-long-do-the-symptoms-of-menopause-last

Similar to puberty where hormones increase causing physical and emotional changes in adolescents, menopause has a decline in hormones also causing physical and emotional changes for women.

It’s important to also understand that menopause is not just about the physical symptoms of a woman’s body changing with aging, but there’s also personal, emotional, and societal implications with aging that affects how well she will go through menopause.

Menopause is not a woman’s journey alone; it can affect relationships and family. Approximately 25% of our inquiries for information and support are from spouses of women going through menopause.  Men want to proactively support their women, as a result we have accumulated these helpful TIPS:

Get informed: Join her (at least once) in talking to her health care practitioner. Learning to understand the changes involved with going through menopause will better help you to understand what’s going on with your spouse. It also allows her to open up and discuss these changes with you.

Get involved: Although menopause is a personal woman’s journey, family and relationships can be affected. This is not the time to head for a bomb shelter, but rather it’s an opportunity to strengthen your relationship and to re-connect.

Be proactive: Be proactive rather than reactive.

• Set aside uninterrupted quiet time to talk together about aging, and how best to be supportive to one another.

• Respectfully and gently suggest to her that you’ve noted a trend or change, and ask if she’s noticed the same.

• Ask her what she needs and how best you can be supportive or how to facilitate her. Asking only once is not quite enough guys.

Be observant: Typically, men are good observers, and will recognize patterns of changes in their spouses often before she does

• Irritability: Try hard to listen to the message, not the way it was delivered.  This takes lots of courage, patience, and love when words can hurt. First of all, don’t tell her she’s crazy when tempers flare. Time outs are often the best approach until hurt or angry feelings settle, then re-connect to discuss the topic or issue

• Confusion and Frustration: When she feels she doesn’t recognize herself, remind her of what good things you see in her and be genuine

• Diminished sex drive: Sex can become uncomfortable at this stage. It’s important to be patient and to talk about your sexual relationship. Women often feel less attractive or sexy during this time of her life. Reassuring her that you still like her body is important. Plan interludes that accommodates both your needs. Sometimes acquiring aids such as lubricants can make sex less uncomfortable. Note: she may be going through menopause, but most women enjoy sex.

• Keep a sense of humor because laughing releases the same endorphins as crying, which relieves emotional stress and its way more fun for all. (But remember laugh with her not at her)

Changes in lifestyle at this stage in life should be shared for the benefit of both:

The aging process definitely requires changes in lifestyle, such as diet and exercise. This is meant not just for menopausal women, but also important for their spouses.

Tips

Diet changes: A healthy diet to nourish the body during significant change is critical to maintaining good health. If you don’t eat properly symptoms can become worse.

It’s hard for a woman to change her diet if her spouse continues to eat unhealthy. Join her in cutting down the carbs, caffeine, sugars, and fats and replace them with an increase in servings of fresh fruits, vegetables, tofu, and nuts. A healthy diet will help to manage weight gain commonly experienced during this time. She will feel better, and so will you.

Exercise: We are inundated with information of the importance of exercise, and we cannot express enough how true this is. If she’s not into joining physical activity groups, then choose an activity you can do together. At the minimum 20 minutes a day 4-5 times a week is beneficial. Go for daily power walks, bike rides, play tennis or badminton. Exercise is important to maintain mobility, strong bones, increase energy, and improve sleep, ultimately decreasing stress levels (and can improve libido). Good for her, good for you.

In Summary: Aging is a process everyone goes through. Women are not the only ones that go through hormonal changes, men go through a Male menopause, commonly known as Andropause. Learn to understand the changes happening to your bodies.  Talk to your health care practitioner. Communication is key; talk about these changes with each other so each side has a better appreciation of what the other is going through. Men are seeking to understand more about menopause, and becoming proactive in supporting their spouses through it.  It’s okay to talk about menopause, as it is about Andropause, after all as a couple you’re in it together because that’s how Mother Nature built us all, just perfectly!